One of my earliest memories I can think of was from when I was a little girl. I was probably about 4 or 5 years old. I think my siblings were at school, my dad was at work and my mom was making lunch in the kitchen while talking to my aunt on the phone.
I was playing in my parents bathroom alone. They had two vanity style mirrors directly across from each other so you could see your reflection go on forever and ever. I remember looking at the little girl in the mirror and thinking, “who ARE you?”. Of course, my thoughts quickly responded, “You are Sarah!” And then I remember thinking again, “but WHO is Sarah?”. I recalled the lyrics to a song I learned at church, “I am a child of God and He has sent me here.”
As such a little child, it was so hard to wrap my head around the concept. I am a child of God? HE sent me here? Although my earthly intelligence was still small, I remember feeling safe and comforted when I thought about being a child of God. I was so little, I probably was just learning my ABC’s but I knew that was true.
So there I was, staring intensely at my reflection. REALLY looking at my eyes. When I close my eyes I can feel myself in that moment. I feel like the voice inside my head knew more things than I can give myself credit for. This was the first time I remember feeling the spirit.
While looking at my reflection the thought just kept repeating, “Who are you? Why are you here? Why did Heavenly Father send you here?”
That’s really when I feel like I started living.
At different times in my life, the answer to those questions has felt different. Ultimately, the gist of the answer is always, “I am a child of god, I am here to grow, develop and show Heavenly Father that I can be obedient.” Thats a great answer, but I’ve always craved more.
Its hard for me not to get wrapped up in the identity of whatever hobby or “big thing” is happening in my life. When I do this and that phase of my life has passed, I am back to square one as the little girl looking at herself and thinking, “who are you?”.
Right now, thats where I am. But this time it’s different. Knowing what I know and experiencing more of life, answering, “who are you?” is hard.
Who am I?
I started by trying to think of things that I like. Then I realized, do I actually like that stuff or am I just trying convince myself that I like that stuff because its kinda trendy right now and thats all I know? Am I actually a boring stick in the mud with no hobbies?
We are taught in the scriptures to be like little children. The more I thought about that, the more I realized that I really did the stuff I actually liked when I was a child. I love writing and creating. I love being outside and feeling the sun on my skin. I like having my own alone time but also spending time with my friends. I like to cook and talk to my parents. I like to laugh with my siblings. I like to play with my dog and pretend like we can talk to each other. I like to sing and dance. I like to observe people do things they love.
The more I thought about it, I felt the correlation to a little spring flower. When I thought of myself that way, I didn’t feel so hard on myself.
Like a flower, I am soft but also strong. I am deeply rooted to those I love. I can make people smile and happy. I am unique. I am growing. Sometimes I need a season to work on myself so I can come back stronger. I am taken care of by The Gardener.
The Gardener will water me, He never forgets. It’s up to me to soak it up. When I feel like He has forgotten to water me, its because He knows more than I do. He saw a rain cloud coming and let me learn that blessings come in all shapes and sizes, not just a watering can.
In the midst of a storm, He watches. Knowing my windy trials are making my roots grow stronger. Knowing that when the the storm passes, I will be vibrant and stand tall.
He planted me where I could feel the rays of The Sun.
So, who am I? Why am I here?
Like the little girl sitting on the counter, looking into the mirror. Here I am again. This time I know more.
Yes, I am Sarah. But I am more than just a flower or a human.
I am a child of God. I am someone who delights when others succeed and grow tall. I am a cheerleader for those in my life. I am here try to make others happy. I am here to learn and to grow. I am here to gain trust in The Gardener.